This is one of the craziest stories I’ve heard in a long time:
A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed food seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head before running out of the house, Fresno County sheriff’s deputies said Saturday.
Lt. Ian Burrimond, describing the crime as one of the strangest he’s ever heard of, said a suspect was found hiding in a nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of residential robbery.
Deputies, he said, had no problem linking the suspect to the crime.
“It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID,” Burrimond said.
Arrested was Antonio Vasquez Jr., 21, of Fresno.
Burrimond said deputies headed to the victims’ home in the 300 block of South Thompson Avenue near Kings Canyon Road shortly after 8 a.m. Saturday regarding a burglary in progress.
The victims, both farmworkers, told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying “Pappy’s Seasoning” to one of them and striking the other with a sausage.
Both the spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, reportedly were obtained from the victims’ kitchen.
After the man fled, the victims discovered the home had been ransacked and that some money was taken, Burrimond said.
Burrimond said the money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.
“That’s right, the dog ate the weapon,” Burrimond said.
“I tell you, this was one weird case.”
Clearly, the dog is a student of the Monty Python defense against criminals armed with foodstuffs:
Sergeant: Where’s all the others, then?
All: They’re not here.
Sergeant: I can see that! What’s the matter with them?
2nd man (MP): Dunno.
1st Man (GC): Perhaps they’ve got ‘flu.
Sergeant: ‘Flu!? They should eat more fresh fruit! (rolls neck strangely.) Right! Now, self-defense! Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week, when I was showing you ‘ow to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit! (rolls neck again)
(Grumbles from all)
2nd Man: You promised we wouldn’t do fruit this week.
Sergeant: What do you mean?
3rd Man (TJ): Well, we’ve done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks.
Sergeant: What’s wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
2nd Man: Can’t we try something else?
4th Man (EI): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
Sergeant: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We wanna learn ‘ow to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all ‘igh and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Oh, oh, oh. Well let me tell you something my lad! When you’re walking home tonight and some great ‘omicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of Logan berries, don’t come crying to me! Right, and now, the passion fruit! (He does a leaping about-turn.) When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit, ah thus…
All: We done the passion fruit.
1st Man: We’ve done the passion fruit.
2nd Man: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit…
3rd Man: Whole and segments.
2nd Man: Greengages, pomegranates…
1st Man: Grapes, passion fruit…
2nd Man: Lemons…
3rd Man: Plums…
1st Man: And mangoes in syrup…
Sergeant: How ’bout cherries?
All: We done them.
Sergeant: Red *and* black?
Sergeant: All right then. (pause) Bananas. We haven’t done bananas, have we?
All: (Dejectedly) No.
Sergeant: Right! How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Catch! (He throws a banana to 1st man.) Now, it’s quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him ‘elpless!
2nd Man: Suppose he’s got a bunch.
Sergeant: Shut up!
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