American Idle

I probably should be blogging, but I can’t stop laughing about this and this

Daily Show reruns are dancing in my head! Thanks for the link, Bri.

One ……… cut a hole in the box
Two ……… put your junk in that booxxxx!!!
Three ……. make her open that box
And that’s the way you do it
IT”S MY DICK IN BOX!!!!

I know this video of the SNL Short has been going around the Internet like a prairie fire, but I hadn’t seen it until last night when i watched SNL on my DVR. SNL has been complete crap lately. Very few funny skits. No recurring skits. Lame openings. So this bit is huge a surprise. It’s just stupid funny. I nearly shit myself laughing when the short came on. It’s mock video as a paean to some of those horrible R&B love songs filled with the dirtiest lyrics, (think R Kelly or Color Me Bad and you have some idea of what I’m talking about it).
So if you need a holiday pick me up, watch the video.
Now, where did I put that box? Ah, yes….
The full lyrics are under the fold

Continue reading So Bad, It’s Good …

One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen is the “Lazy Sunday” Chronicles of Narnia rap from SNL. Even better is the West Coast repsonse “Lazy Monday” Color Me Mine rap. Hillarious. Hillarious. Hillarious. Probably most people have seen these already. I’ve known about them for a while, but only getiting around to blogging about them now.
Just as an aside, there’s a part in the Color Me Mine vid where the rappers go to the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. That store is in Brentwood on San Vicente and Barrington. Prior to being a Coffee Bean, it was Sushi Boy. Before that it was All-American Burger. As in, “You used to work at All-American Burger”.
I used to work at All-American Burger. 20 years ago. Damn, that’s a long time. Ironically, it was hardly an “All-American” place. At the time, the owner, Amal was from Iran and the chef, Jose, who was American by birth, was born in Rose, Texas, right on the border and didn’t speak more than a handful of English words. That left me as the All-American front man.
The food was awesome, still is in the remaining locations. Hickory burgers and Orange Whips. Yum!

If this doesn’t make you laugh out loud, either a) you are heavily sedated, b) you have no sense of humor or c) you are Chuck Norris. Don’t forget to leaf through page 2.

This pretty much sums up what I feel about pharma advertising.

SIDE EFFECTS

Most patients (2%) tolerate treatment with PANEXA well, especially when compared with prisoners of war of comparable size and weight. However, like all drugs, PANEXA can produce some notable side effects, all of which are probably really, really terrific and nothing that anyone should be concerned about, let alone notify any medical regulatory commission about. Most side effects of PANEXA, or their sufferers, are usually short-lived, and are rarely so fatal that the remains can no longer be identified, provided good dental records are available. Some known side effects are:
Respiratory system: Shortness of breath, longness of breath, kinetic balloon-like lung expansion, really geeky laughs
Digestive system: explosive diaherrea, upset stomach; bitter, withdrawn stomach, prehensile colon, achy butt; shiny, valuable feces composed of aluminum and studded with diamonds and sapphire
Eyes/senses: everything you think you see becomes a Tootsie Roll to you, night vision, taste hallucinations (where everything tastes ‘gamey’ or ‘oakey’), inability to distinguish the colors ‘taupe’ and ‘putty’; sudden enjoyment of really bad music, like Kenny G or some crap; thinking everything is so damn funny all the time
Muscular/Skeletal: PANEXAcan cause a real live skeleton to be walking around inside you, buttock muscles to mirror the actions of the jaw muscles, magnetization of the ribcage, and musical spine disorder (MSD) Skin: Might turn blue, wither, and fall off. Or just get really thick and spongy (muppet-like)
Other: Loss of sexual desire and/or desirability; rising of the lights, the vapors, the willies; susceptibility to wedgies, no rhythm, dresses for shit, and can’t hold a job to save your life; blue sweats; symptoms that look like scurvy, but louder; and the compulsion to address everyone nearby as “Cap’n.”

In the last week I have been inundated by obviously fraudulent emails explaining how I just won a lottery I never signed up for and never heard of. It’s amazing to me that anyone would fall for this stuff, but they do. Of course, people are stupid and greedy and can be easily duped into giving up their life savings for the promise of winning something like the Canadian Lottery.

AWARD WINNING

ZEEMAN PROMOTIONAL CO-ORDINATOR,

AMSTERDAM THE NETHERLANDS

BATCH NUMBER:638901765-ANL/05

OUR REF:05/AMSTEL0020205/EU

YOURREF:EMAIL505/EU05
ATTN:LOTTERY WINNER,
NOTIFICATION:FINAL NOTICE
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the Zeeman Lottery programs held on May 2,2005 Your e-mail address was attached to one of the ten winning ticket numbers 9520714 with game Number 28802519.. You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of ?150,000.00 (One Hundred and Fifty Thousand euro)
CONGRATULATIONS!!
All participants were selected through a computer ballot system from our sponsors databases, including over 50,000 companies and 150,000 individual E-mail addresses and names submitted by our agents drawn from Asia, Africa,Europe,North And South America, Oceania and around the world.To file for your urgent claim, please contact our approved agent for your region.
Morgan Marco.
Zeeman Lottery Agency
Nieuwe Steen 5
1625 HV HOORN
Amsterdam The Netherland
Tel:+31-619-056-199
Fax:+31-84-752-0269
E-Mail:ZeemanLottery@netscape.net
It is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and to minimize identification difficulties to advise you to keep this information confidential until your claim is processed successfully and to avoid unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants to please note that you will be required to pay for the issuance of your winning certificate and all winnings must be claimed not later than 9th May,2005.After this date all unclaimed winnings will be null and void. In Order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications remember to quote your reference number and batch numbers in all correspondence.
Furthermore, should there be anychange of address do inform our agents
as soon as possible.Congratulations once more and thank you for being part of our promotional program.
Note:Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically
disqualified.
Yours faithfully,
Mellor Dale.

I suppose forwarding the email (will full headers) to the FBI at uce@ftc.gov and to the authorities in The Netherlands at LBF@planet.nl disqualifies me for breach of confidentiality. Oh, darn.

Want to get some action on the conclave? Just head over to paddypower.com, check out the odds, the candidates, fill yourself in on the process and the history of papal elections.
Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria is the front runner, but I suspect this is mostly wishful thinking. As cool as it would be to have an African or Latin American pope, I suspect when the voting is all done, we’ll find a return to traditional Western European, if not Italian, pontiff.
As a Jewish atheist, I shouldn’t find this all that interesting, but I can’t help but be fascinated. The papacy is such a huge part of our world culture. There’s even a genre of fiction devoted to the topic. The secrecy, the pomp and circumstance, the rituals of burning the ballots, the visuals of crimson robed cardinals congregating beneath Michaelangelo’s Last Judgment. It’s all so intriguing.
There have been several votes so far and only plumes of black smoke have arisen from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel to signify a lack of consensus on a new pontiff. Eventually the Papal Interregnum will end and we can get on with our lives, but in the meantime, the world waits as a few old men chose a new leader and decide on the future path of the Catholic church.
Here are the odds for you punters who are thinking of placing a bet or putting together an office pool.

Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits

WASHINGTON, DC – A report released Monday by the Federal Consumer Quality-Of-Life Control Board indicates that the cost of living now outstrips life’s benefits for many Americans.

“This is sobering news,” said study director Jack Farness. “For the first time, we have statistical evidence of what we’ve suspected for the past 40 years: Life really isn’t worth living.”
To arrive at their conclusions, study directors first identified the average yearly costs and benefits of life. Tangible benefits such as median income ($43,000) were weighed against such tangible costs as home-ownership ($18,000). Next, scientists assigned a financial value to intangibles such as finding inner peace ($15,000), establishing emotional closeness with family members ($3,000), and brief moments of joy ($5 each). Taken together, the study results indicate that “it is unwise to go on living.”
[MORE]

Gawd, how I love The Onion. It makes life worth living. So sweet is irony.

Growing up in the Culture of Life astinance only education dominated America has its drawbacks, but one website offers alternatives for teenagers: Techinal Virgin.com

We know that today’s teens are faced with difficult choices more than ever before. The spectre of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted teen pregnancy looms large in the social lives of all modern adolescents.
Teenagers today need new choices that reflect the reality of their complex lives. Abstinence is often preached by the self-righteous right-wing pundits, but that’s simply not a realistic approach to teen sexuality. To hear the fundamentalist right, you’d think even masturbation would lead to the end of civilization.
But there is a way for youths to enjoy rich and satisfying sexual intimacy without risking unwanted pregnancy – ANAL SEX! The anus, tighter than any vagina and tinged with the thrill of the taboo, is the perfect venue for modern teen lust.

Ok, so it’s satire, but it’s spot on and really well done. You have to watch the public service announcements. If they don’t make you laugh out, there’s something seriously wrong with you.