The Real Purpose of the Church?
“You can’t just go around fucking boys in the street. People get mad”
(for those on FB, here’s a link to the video.)
Just got this in my inbox:
My name is Justin and I’m a recruiter at Axelon Services Corporation, formerly known as Algomod Technologies Corporation. Our records show that you are a professional with attnetion(sic) to detail. This experience is relevant to one of my current openings.
It is located in Vallejo, CA.
Pay rate is $10/hr
Candidate must have own vehicle
I love this for so many reasons. I don’t how anyone looking at my resume would think for a second that I would be interested in a temporary job that paid 10 bucks an hour. Unemployment pays almost that. I could make that at the local Starbucks. I haven’t had a job that paid that low since I worked for Ted Turner. But the best part is that this recruiter managed to spell “attention” wrong in a sentence about “attention to detail”. How classic is that?
Liberals need to stop being such pussies and pass HCR.
What if the Bard had written the Big Lebowski?
It was of consequence, I should think; verily, it tied the room together, gather’d its qualities as the sweet lovers’ spring grass doth the morning dew or the rough scythe the first of autumn harvests. It sat between the four sides of the room, making substance of a square, respecting each wall in equal harmony, in geometer’s cap; a great reckoning in a little room. Verily, it transform’d the room from the space between four walls presented, to the harbour of a man’s monarchy.
On our most holy Sabbath I am sworn
To keep tradition, form and ceremony.
The seventh and the last day rests the Jew;
I labour not, nor ride in chariot,
Nor handle gold, nor even play the cook,
And sure as Providence I do not roll.
Hath not a Jew rights? Hath not a Jew hands,
Organs, bowling-balls, Pomeranians?
If you schedule us, must you not do right?
If we step o’er the line, do we not mark it nought?
The Sabbath; I’ll roll not, God-a-mercy.
Hail, masters! I crave thine able readiness
To be dealt with roughly, as the Sodomites.
For men of sport have noted that our play
In semifinal hour draws on apace.
By Jove! I’ll wager well, Liam and me,
To thrash thee soundly at the fair tourney.
Yea, well, that be, forsooth, thy opinion, sir.
Well; but be forewarn’d. It reach’d mine ears
That combustible Walter, o’ercome with rage
Did shed good sense, and raise his sword in play.
I fear not such jade’s tricks, an seeing ill,
Would snatch the burden from the jealous knight
And pierce his gizzard with the wrongful steel,
Points up, as said of Coriolanus.
Thou speakest rightly, sir. No man misdeals with Joshua Quince, by Jesu.
[Exeunt QUINCE and O'BRIEN]
Nay, fear him not, nor his unworthy joys.
Recall the tragic tale of the pageboys.
Brilliant! Fucking brilliant! (a little more after the fold)
In an increasingly common occurrence, area man Andrew Hecht was rushed to Berkeley Alta Bates hospital following a major cardiac arrest induced by his two cats, Makelani and Filemu.
The events unfolded around 10:33pm when Mr. Hecht opened his bedroom window before going to sleep because of the unusually warm evening. In a sleep deprived state, also caused by the cats, he opened the window just a bit too much, investigators said. They estimate sometime between 10:33 and 10:47, the cats slipped silently out the window.
Mr. Hecht was able to rescue both animals, return them safely inside and call 911 before losing consciousness. He was rushed to the hospital after EMT first responders discovered him passed out the floor of his living room.
“It was ugly”, said EMT Jarvis Greenview, the first licensed medical person to arrive responding to the man down call. “I arrive on scene. I notice the ‘man down’ is still down. And the cats were just sitting on him. Surveying the situation and surroundings, it was clear as day: the cats did it.”
In the past year alone, Greenview has been called to the scene of 43 cat-related coronary incidents.
Mr. Hecht was rushed for emergency treatment to Alta Bates where he revived after several hours in the operating room.
“Mr. Hecht is lucky to be alive”, said James Gostowski, Head of Cardiology at Alta Bates. “Feline-induced Myocardial Infarction is one our top killers. It’s one the most fatal forms of cardiac arrest.”
Feline-induced Myocardial Infarction (FIMI) is an acute episode of heart disease marked by the death or damage of heart muscle due to insufficient blood supply to the heart muscle usually as a result of a coronary thrombosis or a coronary occlusion. It is characterized especially by chest pain, shortness of breath and proximity to one or more cats.
Aasif Gupta, a third year cardiology intern at Alta Bates, summed it up. “Sure, cats can be cute, and, while not fully researched, the healing powers of purring is undisputed in the medical community. But they are killers.” Gupta added, “you’d be foolish to keep one or more at home.”
Mr. Hecht will remain at Alta Bates for several days under close observation. When reached for comment, Makelani and Filemu just stared blankly.
Humorist David Sedaris muses in the New Yorker about the oddly inexplicable character, the undecided voter. Here’s the main kernel:
To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”
To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.
Worth a few minutes of your time. Sedaris will be in town next week at the War Memorial Opera House and I’m going to see him. I’ve been listening to him for years on NPR and I’ve read several of his books, so I’m really excited.
This is one of the craziest stories I’ve heard in a long time:
A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed food seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head before running out of the house, Fresno County sheriff’s deputies said Saturday.
Lt. Ian Burrimond, describing the crime as one of the strangest he’s ever heard of, said a suspect was found hiding in a nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of residential robbery.
Deputies, he said, had no problem linking the suspect to the crime.
“It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID,” Burrimond said.
Arrested was Antonio Vasquez Jr., 21, of Fresno.
Burrimond said deputies headed to the victims’ home in the 300 block of South Thompson Avenue near Kings Canyon Road shortly after 8 a.m. Saturday regarding a burglary in progress.
The victims, both farmworkers, told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying “Pappy’s Seasoning” to one of them and striking the other with a sausage.
Both the spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, reportedly were obtained from the victims’ kitchen.
After the man fled, the victims discovered the home had been ransacked and that some money was taken, Burrimond said.
Burrimond said the money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.
“That’s right, the dog ate the weapon,” Burrimond said.
“I tell you, this was one weird case.”
Clearly, the dog is a student of the Monty Python defense against criminals armed with foodstuffs:
Sergeant: Where’s all the others, then?
All: They’re not here.
Sergeant: I can see that! What’s the matter with them?
2nd man (MP): Dunno.
1st Man (GC): Perhaps they’ve got ‘flu.
Sergeant: ‘Flu!? They should eat more fresh fruit! (rolls neck strangely.) Right! Now, self-defense! Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week, when I was showing you ‘ow to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit! (rolls neck again)
(Grumbles from all)
2nd Man: You promised we wouldn’t do fruit this week.
Sergeant: What do you mean?
3rd Man (TJ): Well, we’ve done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks.
Sergeant: What’s wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
2nd Man: Can’t we try something else?
4th Man (EI): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
Sergeant: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We wanna learn ‘ow to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all ‘igh and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Oh, oh, oh. Well let me tell you something my lad! When you’re walking home tonight and some great ‘omicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of Logan berries, don’t come crying to me! Right, and now, the passion fruit! (He does a leaping about-turn.) When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit, ah thus…
All: We done the passion fruit.
1st Man: We’ve done the passion fruit.
2nd Man: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit…
3rd Man: Whole and segments.
2nd Man: Greengages, pomegranates…
1st Man: Grapes, passion fruit…
2nd Man: Lemons…
3rd Man: Plums…
1st Man: And mangoes in syrup…
Sergeant: How ’bout cherries?
All: We done them.
Sergeant: Red *and* black?
Sergeant: All right then. (pause) Bananas. We haven’t done bananas, have we?
All: (Dejectedly) No.
Sergeant: Right! How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Catch! (He throws a banana to 1st man.) Now, it’s quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him ‘elpless!
2nd Man: Suppose he’s got a bunch.
Sergeant: Shut up!
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